Holding Up the World Read online

  He let her slide down his body, suggestive of his need for a change in their relationship. It had been her plan.

  But plans change.

  Graham was good looking, six feet tall with brandy-colored skin and eyes that twinkled. His body was hard and athletic. He started and ended his day with long laps in the pool -- summer or winter. He’d told her that swimming kept him trim and cleared his mind for work. The effects showed in the breath of his shoulders and the strong biceps that clamped her to him.

  When she’d left the house this morning he’d been on her mind. Tonight she’d planned on taking another step in their relationship, but that was no longer a possibility.

  She was in no mood now. The bustier and condoms on her bed were still there, because she’d had no time to go to her own room. She’d been to busy deciding what to do with Jade. A lot of time she’d spent staring into space in Julianna’s room. She thought of putting Jade in there and mentally considered rearranging the furniture, but her mind would blank out and she’d be reliving her three daughters in various staging of their lives; playing by the pool, decorating their rooms, their first big-girl party, and finally Julianna’s flight from home.

  “How was your day?” Graham asked, keeping his arm around her waist as he closed the door and walked her into the room.

  “You’re not going to believe what’s happened.” Lisa’s relationship with Graham was progressing, but there were things she hadn’t told him about herself. She was sure he had his own stories that he’d kept to himself too. He hadn’t met her twins, Drew and Darnell, but he knew of them. She’d never told him about Julianna. The story was hard to relate and Lisa hoped against hope that her daughter was just come home and Graham would meet her in the course of time. But today had changed that.

  As if the thought could be heard by Jade, she let out a happy baby-laugh.

  Graham stopped in mid-stride. “You’re watching television?”

  Lisa rarely watched T.V. There were several programs she liked, but none that she was invested enough in to view regularly. Looking directly at Graham, she slowly shook her head.

  “Was that a baby?”

  Lisa stepped out of his arms. His brow was furled. “Yes,” she said, only giving him the single word answer. When he said nothing more she turned and walked into the family room.

  “Whose baby is it?”

  “Mine,” she paused, keeping her gaze on him. “At least she’s my grandchild.”

  “Grandchild? I thought you just drove your daughters to college. One of them has a child? And she left it with you?”

  “Sit down, Graham.”

  They were in the family room. Jade lay smiling on the pallet Lisa had made for her on the floor. Graham sat on the end of the sofa as far away from the baby as he could get. Lisa didn’t like the body language she was reading. She began the story, telling Graham first about Julianna and then about the phone call just after lunch today. He listened without interruption. When she finished he leaned forward. Lisa relaxed a bit. She was in marketing, but she’d paid her dues as a sales rep and knew that leaning forward meant interest.

  “What are you planning to do with it?”

  It, she thought. Not she? “I’ve taken temporary custody.”

  “Temporary. What does that mean? How temporary?”

  “I don’t know. My daughter was with the people from Family Services when they picked up the baby, but she ran away the moment they got to the offices in the West Cedar section.”

  He frowned. “West Cedar? What’s she doing there?”

  “I don’t know, Graham. I haven’t seen her in more than a year.” It was actually closer to two yeas, but Lisa didn’t want to admit that so much time had passed.

  She expected Graham to be compassionate, to move from his isolationist position and take her in his arms. She wanted him to do it. She needed comfort and love, support right now. But he remained distant. The air in the room, which had always been light and unnoticeable between them, grew heavier with each controlled breath.

  “So temporary is really permanent?” he finally asked, his voice as flat as a bed sheet.

  “I’m not sure. They said she was homeless. That she’d spend a night here and there. The baby wasn’t being cared for properly. Family Services got a report and took the child, but Julianna is nineteen – legally an adult. If she returns, gets herself together, maintains a stable address, and is able to care for Jade, they will return Jade to her.” Lisa purposely called the baby by name.

  Jade had fallen asleep. Oblivious to the turmoil going on in the room, she slept the innocent sleep. Lisa knew she’d wake in a few minutes. Her naps were more catnaps than real sleep. She supposed it had to do with being shifted from place to place, never knowing how long she’d be in one location. Even an infant had biorhythms.

  Silence stretched between her and Graham to the point that it was vtaut enough to touch. She heard Graham sigh. Looking up at him she searched for something to say.

  “I’m sorry our plans for tonight won’t work out.”

  He stood up as if her statement was a dismissal or a cue for the next line of a play.

  “It’s not a problem,” he said. “The trip was tiring. It’s best if I get a good night’s sleep.”

  Lisa stood. She hadn’t really expected him to leave. She thought of asking him to stay for dinner, but she realized she hadn’t prepared anything, hadn’t even thought of anything beyond the child since she arrived. He could be tired. She knew he worked hard, but his arrival hadn’t indicated such. Yet he was already heading for the door. She had no choice but to followed.

  “Good night,” she said and felt awkward. She didn’t know if she should offer to shake his hand or lean forward and kiss him. His coming through the door only a few moments ago had been lively and energetic. In the space of a baby’s cry that had all changed.

  “I’ll call you tomorrow.” He kissed her cheek. Lisa caught his hand and squeezed it.

  “Will you?”

  He hesitated just long enough for her to have her answer.

  “Jade makes a difference, doesn’t she?”

  “Lisa, I have a twenty-five-year old son. It was hell raising him and I’m not ready to do it again.”

  She expected him to say something like that. His questions at the cybercafe were about children. The fact that the twins were heading for college and would not be living at home must have been the feather that tipped the scales for her. But Jade. It could be years before she was returned to her mother. Or it might never happen. Graham could be looking at someone about to begin another eighteen years of child rearing.

  “I understand, Graham. Jade wasn’t in my plans either. And I wouldn’t foster her off on you, but she’s here now. She’s my granddaughter and I can’t turn my back on her.”

  “I don’t expect you to,” he said with real understanding in his voice. “That’s not the kind of person you are.” He brushed his knuckles down her cheek and kissed her again. This time on the mouth. A flash of need darted through her at what she was losing. And she knew she was losing him. She could feel him pulling away.

  “Thank you,” she said.

  “I’ll miss you,” he said.

  “I’ll miss you too.” He went through the door then and she closed it.

  Leaning against the oval glass, her body an outline to the street, she knew Graham could see her. He couldn’t see how much her heart hurt. So this was how it ended, she thought. She wasn’t sure she could call what they had a love affair. It was on its way there and in the final analysis, she’d hoped for more. For something more long term. She looked at the baby. She was long term.

  She didn’t understand Graham. Lisa’s shoulders suddenly dropped. That wasn’t entirely true. She did understand. Graham had reared a son. From what he’d mentioned in passing, their relationship had had some rocky rapids during his son’s teenage years. Lisa knew to well what he meant. Julianna’s teenage years were awful and continued to this day.

>   There were men who had gone through the child cycle, diapers, ear-aches, PTA, teenage rebellion, and college. They were finally free to come and go, do what they wanted and they didn’t want to rear any more children. Their kids were grown, gone. There was an adult cycle to enjoy. Lisa nearly laughed. Wasn’t she one of them? But the phone call had come today and change was already part of her universe.

  Maybe dating wasn’t for Lisa. Certainly it wasn’t for her and Graham. She’d thought he was the one. She should have known she wouldn’t win the lottery her first time out? It was also her last time out. Jade altered that.

  Returning to the family room, she stared down at the sleeping infant. Jade opened her eyes and looked up at her, her tiny hands reached out for comfort. Lisa sat down and took it. She kissed the small fist.

  Now it was just the two of them.

  Enter Jade.

  Exit Graham.

  Lisa smiled at the baby. So much for her plans of redecorating the house and adding a man to her life after the twins were in college. The twins needed tuition, and Jade needed everything else. There would be no money for decorating.

  And no time for a man.

  ***

  Woodbine Heights was an affluent community of housing developments. The Windsor, Tamarin Estates, The Woodland Collection were the names of some of them. Lisa lived in The Woodland. As she traversed the streets of manicured lawns and orderly flower arrangements in route to Susan’s, Lisa saw the irony in the word development. In the world where she’d reared her children, a development indicated wealth, prosperity, the American Dream found. Yet a housing project spoke of low income, drug infested, uneducated families without hope. Each in its barest form were just four walls and people. Money and a good home didn’t make life perfect. She had Julianna as proof of that. No matter the opportunities she’d been exposed to, she chose to leave it all behind for a rundown section of Chicago that Lisa didn’t want to know existed, much less discover that her daughter called it home.

  Lisa had seen the West Cedar Street Housing Project yesterday. She’d driven by it on her way home, wondering where in that concrete maze of faded brick buildings was her lost daughter. She’d scanned everyone on the street, hoping to find Julianna. People had stared at her slow moving car, first for signs of recognition, then curious to her purpose. She wondered what Julianna looked like now and hoped against hope that she’d want to come home. Donald Li had looked at the photo Lisa kept in her wallet and said Julianna looked older than the picture. Older wasn’t enough of a description. She was older by a year and a half and the delivery of a baby. And life, Lisa thought as she’d looked at the high-rise apartment buildings spaced close enough together to hold conversations with people living in the next building, had a way of painting its features on your face. And street life used a harsh brush.

  Lisa’s development looked nothing like those crammed apartments. Her house sat on a full acre of land. Her neighbors were at least sixty feet from her property line on both sides. Driving at the requisite speed limit, she checked for bicycles, kids on skateboards, and loose balls that came from nowhere followed by a kid in pursuit. Lisa lived on one side of The Woodland and her best friend, Susan Madigan, lived at the farthest end on a quiet cul-de-sac. Like Lisa, Susan and her husband, Bill, lived in one of the five-bedroom models. But unlike Lisa, Susan shared the cul-de-sac with two company presidents, a banker and one artist married to a plastic surgeon. Lisa’s neighbors were a chemist and a university professor.

  Bill had been the CFO of a large architectural firm two years ago when it merged to create an even larger company. Unfortunately, the combination meant his job was eliminated. He had yet to find another position, making Susan and her position as a meeting planning consultant, the family’s only source of income.

  At forty-six, Susan was health conscious. In the last year she’d dropped thirty pounds and proudly wore a size twelve. She’d gone on a shoe shopping binge and bought five pairs of high heels. While she once wore flat shoes and pant suits, dresses or skirts and heels that showed off her long, shapely legs were her current uniform of choice. She’d had her long blonde hair cut into a short chic style that emphasized her large blue eyes and flawless skin tone. And it took ten years off her age, Bill had told her. That’s the part she liked best.

  Susan reached the end of the walkway as Lisa stopped the car in her driveway. “Where is she?” she shouted, pulling the back door open as soon as Lisa released the locks. “Oh, Lisa, she’s beautiful?”

  Lisa heard the excitement in Susan’s voice. Susan opened the restraints on the car seat and lifted Jade into her arms. Kissing the child’s shock of black hair, she cradled her against her breast. “Oh, that smell. I forgot that smell.” She closed her eyes as if she were smelling a vat of chocolate after missing it for years. Yet Lisa understood what she meant. She’d had the same reaction the previous night. “And she’s so light.” She glanced at Lisa. “Remember when they only weighed a few pounds?”

  “I remember.”

  “Come on in. Bill wants to see her.” Susan was already walking toward the front door.

  Bill Madigan didn’t fit any of the stereotypes usually associated with men. Well, maybe the asking for directions thing. He would go to see a chick-flick and not diss it with the guys later, truly listen to you when you had a problem or just wanted to discuss current events. He rarely blew up over a sporting competitionss, never bribed his kids to get good grades or to win a match, and felt perfectly comfortable being the only man in a room full of women. He was an all-around good guy. And that might be the reason he hadn’t found a job in the last of year.

  Meeting Susan and Lisa as they came through the door, he immediately took Jade from his wife. His hands were almost as large as the baby. Lisa had a flashback of Graham not wanting to be near Jade while Bill reached for her with outstretched arms. She pushed the thought aside, knowing her anger was more about the feeling that Graham had rejected her than his reluctance to accept her grandchild.

  “Hi Lisa,” he said, kissing her on the cheek, yet conscious of not crushing the baby between them.

  They went into the comfort room. This was the kitchen. At Susan’s house there was the general mess of three growing boys and a mom who traveled. The newspaper was on the kitchen table indicating Bill had been reading it before coming to the door.

  “She is a living doll.” Bill didn’t take his eyes off of Jade. “Aren’t you, honey? That’s what you are. Just a living doll.” He tickled her stomach and she smiled at him. His face turned red with pleasure.

  The two women laughed at the six foot, three inch man brought to his knees by a thirteen pound baby.

  “What’s her name?”

  “Brittany Jade Russell,” Lisa said. “I’m calling her Jade.”

  “Hello, Jade.” He rubbed her stomach again. Then he looked up at them. “Why don’t you leave her here with me while you go shopping?”

  “What?” Lisa looked surprised.

  “I’m sure you have a ton of things to buy and you can work faster if you leave her here.”

  “Bill, are you sure? I mean it’s been years since you had a baby in the house.”

  “I remember what to do, Lisa.”

  “Good, because I don’t,” Lisa told him. “The first thing I did this morning was call a pediatrician to ask about feeding schedules and sleeping through the night. And to make her an appointment for a checkup.”

  “Susan says she’s three months old.”

  “That’s right.”

  “She drinks formula, slightly warm, not too hot. I’ll heat it in the microwave without the nipples for ten to twenty seconds. I can change a diaper. How long does she nap?”

  Obviously Bill knew how to care for a baby. Since Lisa had arrived home with Jade yesterday, the baby had only cried when she was hungry.

  “She catnaps. Ten minutes at a time. I’m hoping to get her on a schedule so she sleeps longer. She had a bottle just before I left the house, so she probably
won’t need another one for a couple of hours.”

  “I got it,” she said. “You two go on. We’ll have a wonderful time.” His eyes were only on the baby.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Sure, I’m sure. Susan has our pediatrician’s phone number on the wall by the phone in the kitchen. If I need anything I’ll call him or call you on your cell.”

  “Bill, you’re a godsend.” Lisa reached up and kissed his cheek, then with a smile, wiped her lipstick off his face.

  Half an hour later Lisa and Susan arrived at the mall. Lisa had nothing. She’d long since given away or placed in a garage sale everything she had for babies and young children. Her oldest daughter was nineteen and the twins were eighteen.

  A white crib with yellow and green flowers on the headboard sat prominently in front of the escalator as Lisa reached the baby furniture department. She was so intent on it that she didn’t see the man passing in front of her. She walked into him. His hands came out and steadied her. Lisa looked up, her eyes meeting a distinguished looking man. College professor, she thought. His smile surprised her, as did the laughter in his eyes.

  “Excuse me,” she apologized, freeing herself and following Susan. She didn’t look back and therefore did not notice the enticing way he stared after her.

  ***

  Judge Rhys Baldwin shifted awkwardly in the department store. No matter where he moved he felt as if he was blocking the aisle. People milled about, checking everything with a sale sign and there was a signs on every display. Rhys hated department stores. He hated shopping in general. He’d be more content to call up eBay on his computer and order whatever he wanted. But his oldest son’s wife was having a baby in six weeks and his daughter Rita wanted to get them a special baby gift. Rhys thought she meant one gift, but Rita stood at the counter with a changing table, stroller, blankets, baby booties, several outfits and a gift-pack of bottles waiting for someone to come and take them to customer pick-up where he could drive his SUV and have them packed inside it. Service was slow, it being the last summer holiday weekend. The store was packed with people seeking bargains.